So Does Everybody Else, Only Not So Much

I feel dumb.

This train of thought began as I pondered how my shyness affects others.  If I relegate myself to one-word answers when I communicate with others, then these people do not want to talk to me anymore.  I might do this for a simple reason, i.e. because I’m sad, but a lot of of the time I really have nothing to say.  I don’t hate the person I’m talking to, nor do I not appreciate their company, I just don’t feel comfortable speaking more than a few words at a time.  I’m a quiet, shy person, and unfortunately this all too often speaks for itself, telling others things about me that I don’t want to expose.  I don’t hate others just because I don’t talk to them, but this is apparently what my silence conveys.  The human race is inherently talkative and I am not.  The world defines my character based on what others perceive I should be because I do not take it upon myself to do so.  I am not my own person, I am someone else’s person to create, modify, destroy.  My character is perpetually changing into the result of others’ criticism and skeptical conclusions.  I am the pre-assigned monosyllabic word to others’ self-written novels describing their person.  I do not live my own life, I am a small piece of someone else’s.

I am but an extra in the eccentric script of another’s tumultuous life.  My presence does not help or hinder the protagonist, but rather provides them with the significance they desire and the knowledge that they are a three-dimensional character in a meaningful place.  Fate gives it this significance but the free will of others drives it.  It is because I am in this position that I am not permitted to be the protagonist of my own life.  People will continue to write my story for me and I will sit back and allow it.

At least, this is how I feel it happens now.  This is how others tell me it happens through their actions and their scathing perceptions of me without knowing me.  This is, I fear, how it will continue.  I don’t feel ready enough to change and show the world that I may take control of my life.  In the journey that is life, it appears that I am already irreversibly lost.  My words will never emerge from the sea of the outspoken.  I will drown in their success and no one will ever see me again.  Though, all facts considered, it does not seem that anyone ever did.

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3 thoughts on “So Does Everybody Else, Only Not So Much

  1. i want to know what happened. it seems that in elementary school you were always so much more outgoing than i was. and while i admit that i am not as outgoing as i would like to be, i am on my way and i am more outgoing than i used to be. i am at least at the stage of working on not caring what others think.

  2. Ah, shyness. I have the same problem. I’ve been in the same choir for three semesters now (theres only about 15 people in it, too) and I just recently started talking to them. And when I say recently I mean on Monday. After rehearsal the whole group went to In-N-Out and I decided to go. And every person made a remark about how I never talk. And it was awkward and I still didn’t say much but it made todays rehearsal much more enjoyable. I think if you put yourself out there and just let the people around you know that you are interested in getting to know them they’ll understand that you’re just shy.

  3. “A spear carrier is somebody who stands in the hall when Caesar passes, comes to attention and thumps his spear. A spear carrier is the anonymous character cut down by the hero as he advances to save the menaced heroine. A spear carrier is a character put in a story to be used like a piece of disposable tissue. In a story, spear carriers never suddenly assert themselves by throwing their spears aside and saying, ‘I resign. I don’t want to be used.’ They are there to be used, either for atmosphere or as minor obstacles in the path of the hero. The trouble is that each of us is his own hero, existing in a world of spear carriers.”
    – Rite of Passage

    Except there are no spear carriers. That’s the only thing I learned from that….um….lovely book we read sophomore year.

    You’re not just a background character! NOBODY IS! I’m not yelling at you haha I just like caps lock.

    Also…
    I don’t like how people always assume quiet and shy are the same thing. They’re not! OH I’m not saying any of you guys are assuming that, it’s just that people have told me it before. Shy is if you’re afraid or apprehensive about talking to people. Quiet is choosing not to. FOR A REASON. Because maybe not everyone has to be loud all the time.

    So yeah. I pretty much wrote a novel here.

    I found your blog by the way.

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